The continuing TV licence Saga

Phhbtt! Here we go again. The bastards are on to me once again but I'm not gonna be deterred, oh no.....

Last week I received yet another little gem from those wonderfully comical people at the Nazi party offices, er, sorry, TV licensing offices. Once again they have me guilty of some mundane law designed to oppress and grind down and are now threatening me with interview under caution and subsequent court appearance to answer for my crime of not having a television.

Remember, all this is happening in a so called civilized land where apparently you are innocent until proven guilty. Ummm......

Anyway, I thought as they are insisting on playing their silly little games with me, I'd play with them also and compose a little reply which I thought I would put on my blog for all to see. I would imagine that this letter might raise a few hackles or two and that I may subsequently be hounded for simply taking the piss, but what the hell. Here we go:-

The Present Occupier
*Address provided*

Re: Your Ref **************

To whom it may concern

For the past ten years I have lived at the above address. In that time I have never owned, nor do I intend to own a television or any equipment capable of receiving or recording a television broadcast. I choose to live in this manner on the grounds that I feel that the television licence itself contravenes certain human rights legislations and will maintain this stance until the television licence is finally scrapped.

I would like to add that I resent your repeated communications to myself in regards this matter and have chosen NOT to reply to them on the grounds that they do not apply to me as I do not, as already stated, own a television or watch television programs.

It surprises me that your logic revolves entirely around the fact that your computer flags my address as being without a TV licence and that therefore this must mean that I am, by default, breaking the law. I do not own a shotgun licence either but I have yet to receive any communication from the relevant bodies associated with such practices in order to confirm the fact that I have no shotgun in my possession.

As an ex television engineer, I do know a little about how a television works and in particular, the local oscillator which you claim you can detect with your detection equipment. If this is so then by default, there is no need whatsoever for you to enter my property in order to confirm that no television signal is being watched, so I will not allow you to do so unless you comply with the facts laid out below.

I have researched my rights on this matter and am aware that you may not enter my property without a warrant to do so, so I suggest that you do this before your visit to my address. I also understand that you must be accompanied by a police officer in order to execute the said warrant so I would urge you to seek this also. I must point out however that this will be a completely fruitless course of action for yourselves as I DO NOT own any equipment capable of receiving or recording television broadcasts.

In the interim, I have now decided that for my own protection and sanity, I will charge you for any further unsolicited communications you make with me at the rates set out below:-

For the opening of a letter - £10.00
For any further reply I make in regards letters received - £25.00
For opening the door of my property to TV licensing officers or staff - £25.00
For any appointment I may have to break in order to do this - £50.00

As a gesture of goodwill, I will agree to waive my fee of £25.00 on this one occasion in regards this reply letter to yourselves.

Please note however that any communication you make with me henceforth from this date will be taken as your agreement to the above stated terms and conditions.

Yours Disgruntled